In My Dreams

Those weird dreams where no one understands me. Everyone thinks the worst of me and I am crying and running away; desperate to find someone who loves me and will hold me and think the best of me.

I had one of those dreams the other night. It reminded me that there really is a hole deep inside me that no human can ever filll.  In the dream it's like I've committed a horrible crime and I can't even live with myself. Everyone rejects me.

I realized that's how it is in real life. I HAVE committed a heinous crime.  I've been a criminal my whole life. In no way, shape, or form do I measure up to God's standards.   The One who my soul craves and the only One from whom I can truly experience love and forgiveness is too holy for me to even look at.

He could leave me there. A criminal all alone in self-pity and hate. Honestly I can't believe He doesn't.

In my dreams there is usually someone who finally rescues me.  Sometimes it is a person who just holds me tight and fills me with hope that I won't be condemned forever.  Sometimes I run far away and cry out to God and He comforts me.  Either way I awake feeling like a stranger to this world and like Jesus knows my intermost thoughts and emotions deeper than even I do. He creates a strange longing in my heart.

The real life story hits me again. Jesus IS the One I really can cling to.  Why? Because He loved me so much that He died to purchase my soul.  God saw my crimes and sent His Son to pour out His precious blood as a covering for what I had done.  Now God sees Jesus when He looks at me. That hole in my heart can be filled now. Filled with the only One who can satisfy. My identity is no longer in myself. It is entirely in Christ.  I could never be enough and I never will be enough.  But I find my rest in the One who IS enough.

He knows me by name. He calls me His own. He will never leave or forsake me. I can't earn His favor and I also can't hit a limit to His forgiveness. He is faithful.

The meaning to life is doing dishes, right?

You will find purpose and meaning when you get married.

Nope. Nada. You WILL find lots of dishes and laundry and constantly think "how on earth can two people possibly make one place so messy? In ONE DAY?!"
You WILL find purpose in the fact that dinner may not be ready and the house may not be cleaned if you weren't there.  But then you will start to wonder if that's all you were made for.  Being a wife is a high calling, no doubt, but what is it that your soul is really craving?  Each newly folded shirt seems to scream, "It's not me! You were made for more!"

But what?

If you start thinking "My hubby will give me purpose." then you again will be sorely disappointed.  Your husband is not there to complete you or give you meaning.  If you find your value in him alone (no matter how wonderful and handsome - I would know, mine is a spiritual hunk of awesomeness), you elevate him above Christ.  By putting him that high, you become irrational in your expectations and hopes of your husband!  If you want him to complete you, you're doomed.

Okay, well that was super helpful.  I was confused about what I was supposed to do BEFORE marriage.  Now I'm married and still confused.

How about this: You will find purpose in your job and/or skills.

Nope. Nada. You WILL find stress levels that go out the wazoo.   Successes that sometimes go south and turn into failures, resulting in self-loathing.  Pride about your work and talents.  (<--- "Pride goeth before a fall" Anyone?)  You will find yourself thinking "Yeah this is great, but this isn't what my soul CRAVES.  Wasn't I made for more?"

You will find purpose and meaning when you look super hot. 

Nope. Nada.  You WILL find that you've cut yourself off the people that care the most about you.  You will find loneliness and despair when you realize that no matter how much weight you lose, you're not happy.  You will find obsessions and destructive habits.  You might even find a good looking body in the end. . . but then you will wonder "was it worth it? Wasn't I made for more than looks?"

You will find purpose and meaning....when?

I actually pondered this question quite a bit before coming to an okay answer.  I have struggled with this angst for years.  To be honest, I STILL struggle with it.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."  -Genesis 2:27

Image Bearer:  I was created in the very image of God Almighty.  As a Christian, He has redeemed me from my sin and covered me with the blood of Christ.  Now I stand before the Lord blameless and my mission (PURPOSE and MEANING) is to bring Him glory.

"Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith" -Hebrews 12:2a

My purpose and identity is found solely in Jesus.  When I am looking at my circumstances or problems, I am blinding myself.  My eyes are turned inward and I can't possibly be looking up at Jesus.  But what if?  What if I turned my gaze outward and upward?  What if my life is no longer my own and I get to live as a steward of what God has given me?

He has called me to many things!  He has given my life purpose and meaning.  He calls me to be a servant.  He calls me to build His Kingdom and not my own.  He calls me to lay aside my wants and dreams.  He calls me to die to myself.  He sacrificed His life for mine.  He died for me.  How could I give any less than this?

My purpose is to serve the Lord Jesus and bring Him glory.  

Is it easy?  No.  I sure haven't figured it out.  I cry and question Him and think "God, will you ever show me what to do??"  But He always makes a way.  And a still small voice whispers "Keep your eyes fixed on Me."

Masks

I literally googled "blog post prompts" to try and think of something to blog about.

Isn't it fascinating that people write blog posts about how (and about what) to write blog posts?

Is my writing style sarcastic or blunt? Witty or boring? I ask a lot of questions. Am I going crazy??

One of the websites I found listed dozens of one-word prompts.

"Friend"  "Window"  "Legacy"  "Flow"  "Incomplete"  "Colorful"  "Giggle"  

Human experiences and feelings fluctuate and differ from person to person.  If people are like snowflakes in their uniqueness, then each life story is the same way!  One word can mean a flood of good memories for one individual and a world of heartache for another.

"Mask"

That is the word that especially stuck out to me while scrolling through these prompts.
In a culture that is stuck on expressing our own self-identity, we are surprisingly adept at hiding behind our masks that result from insecurity.

I am totally insecure.  I wonder all the time what people think of me.  Actually, that's one of the reasons I don't blog much!  I feel very uncreative and deplete of well thought-out posts.  What will people think of my attempts to write?

My insecurity is displayed in a host of ways - many different masks.  My insecurity results in an inability to serve others.  How can I concentrate on serving when my mind is in a constant rat race of trying to be better or feel better about myself?

Jesus. Was He hiding behind a mask?  Uh, no. I don't think so. And guess what?? He was able to serve others better than anyone in history! Coincidence? I think not.  ;)

Hmm, another one of my insecurities is that I don't feel equipped to end a thought. Or a post.
So I'll just pretend like I'm writing a cliff-hanger.

When I am dry YOU fill me up.

Why does God seem far away?

I pray. Read His Word. Talk about Him to people. Why do I feel so dry?

I pray. Do I listen? Am I repenting and thanking or bargaining and demanding?

I read His Word. Is my devotions just another check mark off the list of the day?

I talk about Him to people. Are my words just an extension of my hypocrisy?

Why do I feel so dry? Am I obeying Him?

In some versions of the Bible, Romans 12 is labeled as "Marks of a True Christian". I've been reading over that list several times in the last week. Verses such as 

"Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another;" and "Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;"

jump out at me and slap me squarely in the face.  It's almost as if I'm reading this chapter and seeing more and more how much I fail at every single one of those things. How much I fail Christ.

I can't do it on my own.  On my strength I trip and fall and feel further from Jesus than ever before. I should feel incredible hopeless right now. And I do. Save for one fact. 

Jesus paid it all.  

ALL. Every time I fail and realize again how far from God I am? Jesus paid for that moment. It's not how "good" I am that saves me...it's how GREAT God is. I can do absolutely nothing apart from Him! Yet as a Christian, He now indwells me and enables me to serve Him and bring glory to His name.

Just typing it makes me excited!! I should have an incredible passion and zeal for my Creator and live every single moment solely for Him!  But I don't. I fall again into the hopelessness of my own sin nature; everyday desperately needing forgiveness and help from my Savior. And He freely gives it.

My problem? I dwell in those sins and forget to repent. TURN from them. I don't "feel" like obeying or trusting Him completely. I seek after my own comforts and forget the goodness of the God who saved me from myself.

That's been a constant theme in my life lately. Forgetting God. I'm sick of that.  My prayer right now is that the Lord will remind and help me to be a servant who is

"Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit, serving the Lord;" -Romans 12:11

 "God, empty my hands of anything that keeps me from reaching out to you."

"Our weakness is a vessel for His power and our flaws a canvas for His grace."

Maybe Someday

"Maybe I'll try it sometime when I'm feeling brave. I will just be safe today."

The lady opposite me was simply referring to a new menu item on our menu.
The Soba Chicken Noodle Broth Bowl sounds rather exotic when compared to French Onion soup with a half sandwich. Rather than exceed her comfort levels and experience new things she might hate, the customer decided to indulge in an old favorite she knew would taste good!

But her words penetrated my mind.

They made me wonder how many times I had said the exact same thing to God. "Maybe I'll try that sometime when I'm feeling brave, Jesus, but I will just be safe today."

My comfort zone isn't something I like to expand very often. It fits me. It's safe and predictable.

My comfort zone does NOT grow me. It does NOT make me more dependent on Christ. It does NOT allow me to take step out in faith.

When Jesus tells me to go and talk to someone about Him, to offer a helping hand, or maybe even make a major life decision, what is my answer to His command?

Will I take the risk?  Step outside my comfort zone and trust Him? Or will I tell Him

"Maybe sometime...but not today. I will just be safe today."

How many opportunities Jesus has given me to grow have I refused? Oh how I want to always give a joyful "yes!" to the leading of my dear kind Father, no matter where He takes me!

The Vitalness of Gratefulness

"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58

So I'm over here mildly freaking out about my future when I read this verse. Bam. It's like God said "My dear daughter, I know you're worried about what step is next and where your life is headed, but that's not your concern. I know exactly where you are. You are right where I want you for this moment. While you're there, be steadfast. Don't waver in your convictions of Me. And work wholeheartedly for Me exactly where I've placed you!"

Sure, slicing bagels and making lattes isn't where I think God has me permanently, but today it IS where He has me. He hasn't called me to stress out and worry about what might happen and when, but instead Jesus tells me to cast my cares on Him, for He cares for me. (1 Peter 5:7)

Thanksgiving just came and went. Tons of my facebook friends posted "thankfulness" statuses during the month of November. As much as I read them and agreed, seeing the posts every day didn't resonate with me until God revealed my ungrateful heart to me.

Gratefulness. It is SO important. Without it, I become depressed and self-focused. I concentrate on my problems and my "needs". My head hangs down, centered completely on me. It's extremely easy to get stuck in the habit of thinking "woe is me". I am quite guilty of this. What's interesting is that the more I focus on self, the less I see how marvelous God is. My problems get increasingly larger, and Christ diminishes into the background.

God has been convicting me about this.

"SHIFT YOUR FOCUS!! Gratefulness and an tender heart are important to Me!" It felt like God said as He pierced my soul.

The way I look, my future, and my everyday "drama" are so insignificant compared to the majesty of the Lord. When I shift my focus upward (instead of the downward disgust of self-centeredness), my problems shrink drastically in the light of God's glory. I am freed of myself so I can serve Him more fully!

I have so much to learn and work on in this area. Praise the Lord that He doesn't give up on me. I don't even understand how He can possibly give me so many second chances. I am in awe of His mercy. I am radically overwhelmed and grateful. So very grateful.

Running. (To all my friends who know me well....quit laughing)

I went running last week. Okay, okay....jogging. For two minutes. But particulars aside, the concept is still grasped. I did something productive for my health! I had my phone in one hand, and my itouch/earbuds in the other. Clenching tightly to both, I eased into a light run. 

Do you know what I immediately noticed? It's significantly harder to run when you're holding onto bulky things! 

"Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us"  Hebrews 12:1 quickly came to mind as I ran. 

Just as it's hard to run when you have weights on you (or phones in your hand!), it's hard to run this race of faith when sins are weighing us down. My feet slammed against the asphalt as I pondered what sins might be besetting me and holding me back from giving my all to Christ. 

Jealousy. The first one instantly popped into my mind. Why do I so easily comply with this sin and allow it to burden me down and effect my walk with Christ? Just like holding my itouch discouraged me from running my hardest, my sins add that extra weight to my life and keep me from running with patience the race that God has marked out for me! 

My run reminded me of the severity and determent of the sins in my life. Praise the Lord that He is faithful to forgive and accepts a repentant heart!! HE is the One who gives the grace to lay aside every sin!