In My Dreams

Those weird dreams where no one understands me. Everyone thinks the worst of me and I am crying and running away; desperate to find someone who loves me and will hold me and think the best of me.

I had one of those dreams the other night. It reminded me that there really is a hole deep inside me that no human can ever filll.  In the dream it's like I've committed a horrible crime and I can't even live with myself. Everyone rejects me.

I realized that's how it is in real life. I HAVE committed a heinous crime.  I've been a criminal my whole life. In no way, shape, or form do I measure up to God's standards.   The One who my soul craves and the only One from whom I can truly experience love and forgiveness is too holy for me to even look at.

He could leave me there. A criminal all alone in self-pity and hate. Honestly I can't believe He doesn't.

In my dreams there is usually someone who finally rescues me.  Sometimes it is a person who just holds me tight and fills me with hope that I won't be condemned forever.  Sometimes I run far away and cry out to God and He comforts me.  Either way I awake feeling like a stranger to this world and like Jesus knows my intermost thoughts and emotions deeper than even I do. He creates a strange longing in my heart.

The real life story hits me again. Jesus IS the One I really can cling to.  Why? Because He loved me so much that He died to purchase my soul.  God saw my crimes and sent His Son to pour out His precious blood as a covering for what I had done.  Now God sees Jesus when He looks at me. That hole in my heart can be filled now. Filled with the only One who can satisfy. My identity is no longer in myself. It is entirely in Christ.  I could never be enough and I never will be enough.  But I find my rest in the One who IS enough.

He knows me by name. He calls me His own. He will never leave or forsake me. I can't earn His favor and I also can't hit a limit to His forgiveness. He is faithful.