When I am dry YOU fill me up.

Why does God seem far away?

I pray. Read His Word. Talk about Him to people. Why do I feel so dry?

I pray. Do I listen? Am I repenting and thanking or bargaining and demanding?

I read His Word. Is my devotions just another check mark off the list of the day?

I talk about Him to people. Are my words just an extension of my hypocrisy?

Why do I feel so dry? Am I obeying Him?

In some versions of the Bible, Romans 12 is labeled as "Marks of a True Christian". I've been reading over that list several times in the last week. Verses such as 

"Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another;" and "Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;"

jump out at me and slap me squarely in the face.  It's almost as if I'm reading this chapter and seeing more and more how much I fail at every single one of those things. How much I fail Christ.

I can't do it on my own.  On my strength I trip and fall and feel further from Jesus than ever before. I should feel incredible hopeless right now. And I do. Save for one fact. 

Jesus paid it all.  

ALL. Every time I fail and realize again how far from God I am? Jesus paid for that moment. It's not how "good" I am that saves me...it's how GREAT God is. I can do absolutely nothing apart from Him! Yet as a Christian, He now indwells me and enables me to serve Him and bring glory to His name.

Just typing it makes me excited!! I should have an incredible passion and zeal for my Creator and live every single moment solely for Him!  But I don't. I fall again into the hopelessness of my own sin nature; everyday desperately needing forgiveness and help from my Savior. And He freely gives it.

My problem? I dwell in those sins and forget to repent. TURN from them. I don't "feel" like obeying or trusting Him completely. I seek after my own comforts and forget the goodness of the God who saved me from myself.

That's been a constant theme in my life lately. Forgetting God. I'm sick of that.  My prayer right now is that the Lord will remind and help me to be a servant who is

"Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit, serving the Lord;" -Romans 12:11

 "God, empty my hands of anything that keeps me from reaching out to you."

"Our weakness is a vessel for His power and our flaws a canvas for His grace."

Maybe Someday

"Maybe I'll try it sometime when I'm feeling brave. I will just be safe today."

The lady opposite me was simply referring to a new menu item on our menu.
The Soba Chicken Noodle Broth Bowl sounds rather exotic when compared to French Onion soup with a half sandwich. Rather than exceed her comfort levels and experience new things she might hate, the customer decided to indulge in an old favorite she knew would taste good!

But her words penetrated my mind.

They made me wonder how many times I had said the exact same thing to God. "Maybe I'll try that sometime when I'm feeling brave, Jesus, but I will just be safe today."

My comfort zone isn't something I like to expand very often. It fits me. It's safe and predictable.

My comfort zone does NOT grow me. It does NOT make me more dependent on Christ. It does NOT allow me to take step out in faith.

When Jesus tells me to go and talk to someone about Him, to offer a helping hand, or maybe even make a major life decision, what is my answer to His command?

Will I take the risk?  Step outside my comfort zone and trust Him? Or will I tell Him

"Maybe sometime...but not today. I will just be safe today."

How many opportunities Jesus has given me to grow have I refused? Oh how I want to always give a joyful "yes!" to the leading of my dear kind Father, no matter where He takes me!

The Vitalness of Gratefulness

"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58

So I'm over here mildly freaking out about my future when I read this verse. Bam. It's like God said "My dear daughter, I know you're worried about what step is next and where your life is headed, but that's not your concern. I know exactly where you are. You are right where I want you for this moment. While you're there, be steadfast. Don't waver in your convictions of Me. And work wholeheartedly for Me exactly where I've placed you!"

Sure, slicing bagels and making lattes isn't where I think God has me permanently, but today it IS where He has me. He hasn't called me to stress out and worry about what might happen and when, but instead Jesus tells me to cast my cares on Him, for He cares for me. (1 Peter 5:7)

Thanksgiving just came and went. Tons of my facebook friends posted "thankfulness" statuses during the month of November. As much as I read them and agreed, seeing the posts every day didn't resonate with me until God revealed my ungrateful heart to me.

Gratefulness. It is SO important. Without it, I become depressed and self-focused. I concentrate on my problems and my "needs". My head hangs down, centered completely on me. It's extremely easy to get stuck in the habit of thinking "woe is me". I am quite guilty of this. What's interesting is that the more I focus on self, the less I see how marvelous God is. My problems get increasingly larger, and Christ diminishes into the background.

God has been convicting me about this.

"SHIFT YOUR FOCUS!! Gratefulness and an tender heart are important to Me!" It felt like God said as He pierced my soul.

The way I look, my future, and my everyday "drama" are so insignificant compared to the majesty of the Lord. When I shift my focus upward (instead of the downward disgust of self-centeredness), my problems shrink drastically in the light of God's glory. I am freed of myself so I can serve Him more fully!

I have so much to learn and work on in this area. Praise the Lord that He doesn't give up on me. I don't even understand how He can possibly give me so many second chances. I am in awe of His mercy. I am radically overwhelmed and grateful. So very grateful.

Running. (To all my friends who know me well....quit laughing)

I went running last week. Okay, okay....jogging. For two minutes. But particulars aside, the concept is still grasped. I did something productive for my health! I had my phone in one hand, and my itouch/earbuds in the other. Clenching tightly to both, I eased into a light run. 

Do you know what I immediately noticed? It's significantly harder to run when you're holding onto bulky things! 

"Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us"  Hebrews 12:1 quickly came to mind as I ran. 

Just as it's hard to run when you have weights on you (or phones in your hand!), it's hard to run this race of faith when sins are weighing us down. My feet slammed against the asphalt as I pondered what sins might be besetting me and holding me back from giving my all to Christ. 

Jealousy. The first one instantly popped into my mind. Why do I so easily comply with this sin and allow it to burden me down and effect my walk with Christ? Just like holding my itouch discouraged me from running my hardest, my sins add that extra weight to my life and keep me from running with patience the race that God has marked out for me! 

My run reminded me of the severity and determent of the sins in my life. Praise the Lord that He is faithful to forgive and accepts a repentant heart!! HE is the One who gives the grace to lay aside every sin! 

Will I Remember the Goodness of God?

Sitting in Starbucks, I take a sip of caramel goodness and mull over the graciousness of God. I wonder how much I take for granted. How many things I let pass by me without even taking the time to thank the Creator for them.

Things. People, Places, Plans, Conversations, Fresh Air, Vehicles, Bibles, Jobs, Water, Hard Work.

So. Many. Things.

But hear now, am I grateful? Is that a growl of complaint that just fell from my lips?
Why? Why do I allow myself to complain? To murmur in spite of the gifts God in His infinite kindness has bestowed. Are His ways not good enough for me? Do I think I know better? How dare I find fault in the ways of the Maker of the Universe!!

So as I sit here in introspection, my mind races. What if I trusted God?  Trusted that His ways are greater than my fears...than my plans. Trusted the Father to take care of His daughter?  Maybe He will dash my hopes and dreams. Maybe He will tear at the world so dear to me and break it all apart. Maybe He will bring me to my knees time and time again with painful cries of despair.

So be it. Let me fully TRUST that He will work all things together for HIS glory. Let me remember that I am His daughter. His servant. I have given myself completely to a terrifying and wonderful God.

"Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you" -The Lion, the witch, and the Wardrobe  

Do I put God in a box? Treat Him as if He's my lucky charm? My life-line if I'm trouble?  How dare I put myself in a place above Him! It's as if He is my servant and I call upon Him when I am in need. When did I become so comfortable with the idea of God that I lost my respect?

Respect. A vital word. Why is it be counted as wise to have a FEAR of God? Maybe because He has every right to squash me like a bug. Maybe because He holds the whole universe in the palm of His hand...perfectly in balance, all while attending to the thoughts and emotions and actions of the billions of people on earth. Yet, even though we are commanded to fear God, we are also told to draw near to God. Seek His face.

The balance of a reverent awe (respect) and a trusting intimate relationship with the Savior. How could we understand it all? 

"Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it." Psalm 139:6

But I have learned that we can ask the Father. He knows we are but dust. He understands our confusion and our utter humanness. That's why He also made it possible for us to ask for wisdom. Wisdom from Him.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." -James 1:5

My expensive coffee is almost gone, and I wonder if I will remember the graciousness of God. If I will call to memory His infinite wisdom when a complaint is pressing on my lips. Lord, I beg of You wisdom. Eyes to see Your goodness in my pain.  

 

2013 has come to a close. And it was amazing.

Last night I was reflecting on 2013 and the things God has done in my life. It was an amazing time of recalling God's blessing and lessons. Several of my friends have been writing about the past year, so I thought I would join the band wagon! :)

New Year's Eve of 2012 as my family sat together in the living room, my older sister Jessica enthusiastically mentioned that she was excited about 2013 and anticipating the changes the new year might bring. And boy was she right!! This year has been one of hard adjustments, enjoyable escapades, daunting challenges, fulfilled dreams, and God's mercies. But enough with the adjectives. Let's get on with it.

My sister Jerusha wrote a blog post about the year over on her blog "It's a Serendipitous Life", and she did it so well I thought I would copy her format. ;) Go check it out here. It's amazing!!!!

Anyway...

1.) Last spring was spent applying for college and scholarships. My relationship with God strengthened as I sought His will about colleges and life plans. I also dual-enrolled at a community college in town as part of my last semester of high school.

2.) In April, I graduated from high school!!! This day was definitely a highlight of the past 12 years combined. ;)

 

 

3.) The spring was also entirely consumed with music!! I adore music, but I never thought I would get so stressed out by it. Thankfully, my parents gave me their sweet support and put up with my endless hours of practicing. :) I was also given the opportunity to perform a duet concerto and two solos for federation, play in my twenty-something and LAST piano recital, and audition for several music scholarships.

 

My piano teacher and me at my final piano recital. And who are those other crazy people? Oh, those are just my epic best friends. I'm proud to say we're related. 

 

4.) In May, we helped my brother and sister-in-law moved five hours north of town. Two months later, Josiah started medical school! It was a bittersweet trip to help them move, but we are excited to see what the Lord is doing in their lives! 

 

 

 We really like our brother. :) He looks so doctor-ish already!

 

5.) A MAJOR part of my life this last year was my month-long trip to Nicaragua. I met some amazing people, had some life changing experiences, but most of all, grew closer to God than I ever imagined possible! It's interesting what a month without family and comfort zones will do with one's walk with the Lord.

 

 

 6.) My sister Jessica moved to Africa this year for missions. The day she moved was probably the hardest day of the year. I am extremely proud of her and have loved every minute of watching her journey with God!! I love you, sis! <3

 

 

 

7.) I started working Panera Bread in September! I love trying to make people smile. It's a hobby of mine. ;)

 

8.) The most exciting thing of my year - and other than becoming a Christian, my life - is number eight When my daddy told me somebody wanted to court me, I was completely blown away. Something I had always dreamed of happening, but it was actually coming true right then and there!  

 

Thadden Cymbaluk. I am beyond blessed by this amazing man of God. Needless to say, the past few months have been especially fantastic. :D

 

There is my year in a little nutshell! My life has changed drastically since a year ago, and it will change more in the years to come, but I know that I can be confident in this one thing. God never changes. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Change, whether it be exciting or challenging, can be the Lord's way of drawing us closer to Him. The unchanging Rock. Fortress. Strong Deliverer.

To God be the glory, great things He hath done!

Nicaraguan Adventures - Wrapping up the month

Almost a month has past since I left Nicaragua. I can hardly believe how fast the time has gone! Before I forget all the important details of the last half of my trip, I wanted to record them here.

On Monday, June 17th, my traveling companion, Hart, asked me what I thought of leaving a couple weeks early. She had become sick and needed to go back the States before the scheduled time. Honestly I didn't know what I wanted to do! Had I been asked the same question a week or so before, I would have jumped at the chance to fly back home early. I missed my family so much.  But it seemed that God had been softening my heart to these people and to the country of Nicaragua.  I desperately wanted to go home, but I was also curious about what else the Lord had in store for me in this country.  After discussing logistics with my parents, we decided that it was best for me to stay in Nicaragua while Hart went home.  And I'm so glad I did.

Monday through Wednesday of the following two weeks were spent starting a preschool in the little village of Mateare (the community Project H.O.P.E is building).  The community center in the village was filled with the voices of little kids every morning!  It was incredible to see the kids that were enthusiastic about school and learning (and playing with the "gringos"). ;)  During the first couple of days, we would see little girls dressed in their best Sunday dresses, and little boys freshly showered and sporting a clean pair of pants.  That didn't include all the kids, though...some were simply dressed in the only clothes they had available, but they were still at school and ready to learn!

On the last day that I would be at the preschool, we all said our goodbyes and Fran (another highly educated lady - that Hart knew - that was starting the preschool) and I headed for the truck to take us to the Base.  While we were waiting for our ride, I noticed a lady come out of her little house.  I recognized her as being one of the teacher helpers for the preschool and realized that I hadn't told her goodbye!  I quickly walked over to her and she met me in the middle of the street.  She (her name was Christina) started talking with me and we discussed our families, interests, and different topics. Suddenly, she was telling me how she appreciated my friendship and wished I didn't have to leave!  I was touched.  Moments later, Christina beckoned me to come to her house so she could show me around.  I followed her and she lead me to her beaten-down shack a couple streets away.  As I entered her home, I saw her obvious love for art.  The front of the shack was painted and her door was decorated with her lovely artwork.  Christina lead me around her tiny home and then introduced me to her children - Gabriela, Kimberlin, and Joshua.  As soon as they met me, the girls grabbed some stickers (one of the few possessions they had) and started placing them on my shirt!  The way they show their love for someone is so special. 
Finally I had to say goodbye and leave the village.  Christina looked heartbroken and started crying.  Even though it was somewhat difficult to talk to each other through the language barrier, we had still developed a friendship and found a connection in Christ! 

I was up by 4:00 AM on my last morning in Nicaragua.  I tried my best to be quiet while getting ready to go to the airport so I didn't wake any of my seven roommates.  As I walked out the door, the humidity, along with the realization that this was really my last day there, hit me.  I was picked up from Base and driven to the airport.  Travis, my chauffeur to the airport, told me what to expect when going through security and customs.  I was so grateful he calmed my nerves and gave me some valuable information about the trip!  By the time I finally made it to Miami airport, I was feeling much more comfortable traveling alone! ;) 

To wrap up my time in Nicaragua . . . I'm so grateful that I was able to go to this amazing country and meet some incredible people!  Most of all, I'm thankful to God for drawing me close to Him during the month and helping me to completely depend on His strength and love.